childhood

I do not trust me. What is my alternative? There is none and nothing. My words fetch me nothing. Presumably they shall fetch nothing in eternal time to come. I cannot shut up any. Earning heap of abuse spending for the same in silence......My reading cannot stop but my writing has.  Silent and absent and living and giving

yadav was raghu's classmate from mstat stream while raghu was passionate about friendship - lifelong - yadav was loner jroy head of csu had some curious biases - he was senior professor who was famous for giving ready employments to all his mstat students at csu his other bias was to select all those for computer science who were having good results i did not know what he thought about me except that my brother who was his student too was brighter i on the other hand thought him to be good teacher but thoroughly unreliable. he did not take me instead said AM wished me to take apms or i am wanted by psychometry department. he took iyenger asis kundu jog. it was hotchpotch when it came to advanced studies. i was alone from isi and i preferred to take computers despite jroy's reluctance. he wished me to take mathematics. but i was thoroughly disillusioned with logic and jkg's exposition of probability. he was teaching a subject he did not learn. he recently died and...

for a long time raghu was in my shadow he followed me till some time 1987 when I left for Kolkata he married some time early 1990s and i did not know his whereabouts last year he supplied some Bengali Puja Magazines to me I still have to pay his debt Sometimes these days I ring him up on sundays and talk to him he wishes to be writer and still struggling to write he sent me a few pages couple of years ago looking to publish but they did not really catch my attention and let it pass I got influenced by him to read SF but I cannot any longer read them as much as I cannot read science and technology I have been emptying myself of people and their devotions and hypothesis i am not curious last night I called him up and we talked for sometime nothing much happening - he talked about some fair in bandra i talked about rain in Columbus - my anxiety that my sump pump may expire causing me flood my anxiety took me outside in the morning to assess the situation and i also lo...

with 500 words vocabulary i have read and written about me many million sentences they are repetitive reading me stopped when i reached the slate or page or space nothing in it and i could write nothing all my writings so far were false account of me I do not exist nothing to reveal any further all my written communications have become meaningless and false promotion where there is not another being or thing for a while I have been engaged in withdrawing my writings i may have to stop

Time is absent in Truth. Truth is tme invariant. How old am I? What did I die? Which image in fossil is me? Empty space is museum that displays time line and universe and inhabitants and their life I am a mistaken identity or imagination ~ i am time invariant

It is non stop rain for many days and I am worried In case my sump pump that is now working every minute if conks off my basement shall be flooded I made the inspection of my hopeless situation too much of rain i looked at the weather report it is going to rain till midnight 20% precipitation tomorrow - no rain 10% on Tuesday ... Thunderstorm on Friday will my sump pump hold till Monday? bitten by knowledge innocence is forever gone?

Even blind I had to see the truth. As soon as I entered paradise - all my exit routes were closed. for eternal time I am trapped among dead people. I am alone live. I have to see even without eyes or any senses. I am alone and there is none and nothing. I had no choice but see it. I have to see without protest, since there is none else but me alone, my insanity my indigestion my addiction my appetite - insatiable unstoppable uncontainable. I am immortal and I have to live with them eternally suffering .... without relief - them are me and indisposable all cancer in all people will have cure sooner or later but I shall never be cured ever I am eternally incurable without choice I am one hundred percent diseased suffering I am me The one and only continuum that excludes nothing and includes nothing and doer of all deeds The mere witness of all events from beginning of time to end of time missing none and nothing including all and everything

There is one and only truth. There is none and nothing but me the imperceptible. I see what I like to see. I hear what I like to hear. I feel what I like to feel. I do what I like to do. I think what I like to think. I imagine what I like to imagine. I enjoy what I like to enjoy. Good bad pain pleasure fear shame relief joy elation depression ~ words sounds and their different shades of memories of pleasures ~ self discoveries.  Perceptibles. Nothing changes however. Nothing can change when there is none and nothing. Me and only me. My writings are with never visible ink in empty space. Paradise. Absolute. Me. Imperceptible.

expectable? is it a new word i have invented? In paradise, nothing ever changes and always clear i can see the open sky that shelters paradise ~ paradise is not polluted i can see the tranquil bottom of paradise it is always now - nothing ever changes - paradise is paradise - permanent all is dead except me all objects however far is present and is visible with perfect clarity what is expectable? what is future unless it is now? what is past unless it is now? I am live [ can i bungle? i am fulfilled no question - i get before i do what do i think? what is there to think? when nothing ever change ] but dummy

vacuum too has two consecutive u s without option i had to be immortal i.e contain birth and death of time and all possible orders and numbers in me in other words i have been part of paradise always paradise is not paradise if not permanent and not containing all including empty space paradise is continuum i too am continuum ~ i contain all thought events transients absences presents pasts futures manifestations sensibles imaginables synchronous asynchronous invisibles .... all words sentences languages .... sounds and silence how big number is me how big is continuum i am worried about joy lasting always as long as i live jamaibabu now dead used to be sad that he was not getting pension as if money is the source of joy from life and cause of life my mother did not earn a single paisa or penny in her life but raised her family and lived in joy for 85 years of her life a few days back i was talking with my sister in law - she was teacher of school and college b...

without emitting any sound I walk around the library to find some books I may be interested. i have read and written on the topic of me and those books are not cataloged again. absent has no appearance how does one communicate anything ever recorded is fossil in paradise cannot ever disappear by virtue of being truth is there any order - paradise came first or truth came first they both happened all at once ~ they are library or recordings of all transients as fossil from before time to end of time i picked up a book on ancient egyptian hieroglyphics ~ they were purposefully buried 5000 years ago they are recordings of sounds they spoke to each other in pictures carefully drawn with great precision by accomplished artists to convey sounds and a story to any absent then in time and space Purana of Purana ~ permanent recording ~ fossil they wrote in such a manner that 5000 years after 15000 miles away can be understood ~ sound and spoken story crossing all distances ...

In paradise, subject is silent and absent. Paradise does not allow subjects. Only objects. All objects are same and truly equal. I have been able to write this far itself is miracle. Even without a Language like Sanskrit - I am able to express about paradise nature. What about reason? Is there reason in  paradise? Paradise is a living truth in order to be true. Events happen. Sun rises. DNA gets photographed. We have reasons. Molecule Atom. Periodic Table. Planets their elliptical orbits. Gravity..... We have money. Motivation. Space travel. Communication. Subterranean geostationary network. We have measurements. Distance. Galaxy. Pole star. We have inference. Magics and miracles. We have laws. Organism. Life Cycle. Evolution. Imperfection. Memory. Intelligence. Science Technology. Stability. Observations. We have time. We have mathematics. Logic. Sets. Constructions without paradox. Proofs. A system that belongs to paradise as objects. All is joy and all is ...

I have written many many times about Gita. गीता। Its right to left reading. तागी। They both are Sanskrit words, however their meanings are not Harmony or Renunciation exactly. Their opposites are असुर and भोगी। Near english meanings are disharmony e.g Ravana, a character from Purana. Lusty, lust without control; everyday examples are us, US presidents - Trump, Obama, Bush, Clinton.... There have been many many translations and as many volumes of expositions on Gita by that famous institution such as RKM and others. Please do not read them. Since Gita must be read as is written by Veda Vyasa and never touched. It is written with the assumption that it shall need no touch. Sanskrit is such a language. You have not learned that discipline - your writings (of expositions) are useless. It is story of God advising a life long friend about what to do when. Him telling that you have no option. You cannot QUIT. You have to accomplish what is already done for you. You are designed automaton...

as usual I have to start with apology. I do not know the meaning of swamp. I know Washington DC. I lived in the vicinity and several times I went there. For me it is over crowded and too big and there is parking problem. People walk there and use public transport. They are for me to use. I am from place where I do all my business using my car. I have used taxis but only rare occasions. With two presidents Obama who came from Chicago and Trump who came from New York talked about SWAMP a million times and also promised Americans to clean the swamp in Washington DC. I took the meaning that Washington DC is a place filled marshy watery place very difficult to navigate. It is surrounding all the federal offices white_house senate house of representative and supreme courts etc. You have to spend money to make money by minutes to be listened by a fraction of ear who are inhabiting those places. But then our presidents came from cities with greater swamp who supported them. Obama was first ...