childhood

yadav was raghu's classmate from mstat stream while raghu was passionate about friendship - lifelong - yadav was loner jroy head of csu had some curious biases - he was senior professor who was famous for giving ready employments to all his mstat students at csu his other bias was to select all those for computer science who were having good results i did not know what he thought about me except that my brother who was his student too was brighter i on the other hand thought him to be good teacher but thoroughly unreliable. he did not take me instead said AM wished me to take apms or i am wanted by psychometry department. he took iyenger asis kundu jog. it was hotchpotch when it came to advanced studies. i was alone from isi and i preferred to take computers despite jroy's reluctance. he wished me to take mathematics. but i was thoroughly disillusioned with logic and jkg's exposition of probability. he was teaching a subject he did not learn. he recently died and...

for a long time raghu was in my shadow he followed me till some time 1987 when I left for Kolkata he married some time early 1990s and i did not know his whereabouts last year he supplied some Bengali Puja Magazines to me I still have to pay his debt Sometimes these days I ring him up on sundays and talk to him he wishes to be writer and still struggling to write he sent me a few pages couple of years ago looking to publish but they did not really catch my attention and let it pass I got influenced by him to read SF but I cannot any longer read them as much as I cannot read science and technology I have been emptying myself of people and their devotions and hypothesis i am not curious last night I called him up and we talked for sometime nothing much happening - he talked about some fair in bandra i talked about rain in Columbus - my anxiety that my sump pump may expire causing me flood my anxiety took me outside in the morning to assess the situation and i also lo...

with 500 words vocabulary i have read and written about me many million sentences they are repetitive reading me stopped when i reached the slate or page or space nothing in it and i could write nothing all my writings so far were false account of me I do not exist nothing to reveal any further all my written communications have become meaningless and false promotion where there is not another being or thing for a while I have been engaged in withdrawing my writings i may have to stop

Time is absent in Truth. Truth is tme invariant. How old am I? What did I die? Which image in fossil is me? Empty space is museum that displays time line and universe and inhabitants and their life I am a mistaken identity or imagination ~ i am time invariant

It is non stop rain for many days and I am worried In case my sump pump that is now working every minute if conks off my basement shall be flooded I made the inspection of my hopeless situation too much of rain i looked at the weather report it is going to rain till midnight 20% precipitation tomorrow - no rain 10% on Tuesday ... Thunderstorm on Friday will my sump pump hold till Monday? bitten by knowledge innocence is forever gone?

Even blind I had to see the truth. As soon as I entered paradise - all my exit routes were closed. for eternal time I am trapped among dead people. I am alone live. I have to see even without eyes or any senses. I am alone and there is none and nothing. I had no choice but see it. I have to see without protest, since there is none else but me alone, my insanity my indigestion my addiction my appetite - insatiable unstoppable uncontainable. I am immortal and I have to live with them eternally suffering .... without relief - them are me and indisposable all cancer in all people will have cure sooner or later but I shall never be cured ever I am eternally incurable without choice I am one hundred percent diseased suffering I am me The one and only continuum that excludes nothing and includes nothing and doer of all deeds The mere witness of all events from beginning of time to end of time missing none and nothing including all and everything